Friday, July 1, 2011

*See Blog for Details

Dear Everybody,

Hey! It’s been forever. I hope you’re well.

Now get a face-full of this textual tantrum. You may or may not be familiar with “The Legal” at the end of an ad. In a print ad it’s all that writing at the bottom; in a commercial it’s the “See store for more.” You’ll find it pretty much everywhere if you pay attention.

The purpose, as this humble hamster understands it, is to make sure that all parties involved know the situation. It prevents any misunderstandings or mishaps. This makes sense.

You’ll get legal like:
“Grandpa’s Cheese Chips not available in all states. Made with 100% real cheese.”

But that’s not nearly enough. It leaves room for so many unknowns. Not available in all states? What about countries, or the universe at large? Plus, this legal assumes that everyone agrees on what cheese is.

Try again:
“Grandpa’s Cheese Chips not available in all dimensions or space/time zones. Made with 100% coagulated milk protein.”

Better, but still not enough. This legal is still making all sorts of assumptions.

Here’s how it’s done:
“Grandpa’s Cheese Chips not available in all dimensions or space/time zones. In the event that Descartes was wrong and none of us exist, this product may also not exist. Product operates best in presence of taste buds. Not intended for use as a weapon, mobile conveyance, or sacred artifact. Shake it fast, but watch yourself. Avoid product if at all uncertain about its purpose. Made from 100% coagulated milk protein.”

And truthfully, it’s still a little risky.

Wisdom by Warren:
If you’re going to regret it in the morning, never sleep again. Ever.

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

Where in the legal does it say "show me what you are working with"

key phrase

July 24, 2011 at 11:48 PM  

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