Friday, July 16, 2010

Monster With a Mortgage

Happy Friday! Got any fun plans for the weekend?

I couldn’t hear your answer, so for the sake of continuity I’ll assume you said, “Absolutely Warren! This evening I’ll be competing in an illegal underground street race, Saturday is the grand opening of my desert animal petting zoo, and Sunday I’ll be finishing up my solo album, ‘Grand Funk McMasterpiece,’ set to release this fall.”

Wow, reader. You live an exciting and perplexingly unusual life!

I tried so hard to resist it, but I have to rant. I started with zombies, and now Ariel’s talking about Twilight…some things have to be said.

First of all, I have never read the Twilight novels, and thus, I will not be criticizing them. People, I have two rules about criticism.

A. Never bash a book you haven’t read, a movie you haven’t seen, etc…
B. Don’t bash someone’s performance if you couldn’t do it better.

That being said, I know what Stephanie Meyer has done to the monster mythos and it pains me. The vampire is no longer the frightening and sinister master of the night. He is now the moody teenager with girl troubles and a questionable hairstyle.

The werewolf is no longer a mythic metaphor for the uncontrollable and animalistic nature of man. It’s now just a dude…that can also be a wolf.


This isn’t Stephanie Meyer’s fault, but there’s even an identity crisis in the zombie community. Are they shambling, dim-witted dead folks? Or are they furious, sprinting rage-fiends?

Where will it end? Is Frankenstein going to run for prime minister? Is the swamp-thing going to struggle with a nicotine addiction? Will the mummy be caught up in a custody battle?

Stop giving monsters regular problems. They’re monsters. They have problems of their own.

Wisdom by Warren:
Never trust a man with two first names.
Steve Frank? Guaranteed to steal your lawnmower.

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